March 6, 2012

A.M. Ramblings

So as I'm sitting here at 2am I figured maybe an introduction was needed. My name is Sally and I'm an aunt of 9 nephews and one lonely niece. I am the only girl with 4 brothers, I was right smack in the middle (two older and two younger). I never once in my life envisioned myself helping to raise my brother's children. But here I am and there they are, sound asleep without a care in the world.

Things all changed when 2 years ago my older brother made a decision that would change all of our lives. It's said and done and I'd like to move on, but really can you ever move on from losing a loved one? His children are now learning to live without a father and well they don't have their mother either. Sometimes I wonder how a woman could not feel that intense love for their children you hear and see. For whatever reasons she isn't around and I'm on the fence on if it's better for the kids or not. I was not a mother nor did I really want to be. I remember being very young and telling my mother that I would never have children. She laughed and said, "Just wait till you get older." I was 9 then and now I'm 30 and the closest I've come to having children are my two furry babies.

So how do you move forward when you don't really want to? I didn't really want to be a "mother" taking on the responsibility of 4 children. My mother, who is now 52, is having to start all over and it sure isn't the same. When did being a kid become so hard? I don't remember having to deal with the bullying, the sexual promiscuity, the drugs. Now I'm not saying that it wasn't around, but it was nowhere near the way it is now. I see it in my nephew who cried about not having skinny jeans and Nike shoes. I see it in my niece whose "friends" constantly ask her why she doesn't wear more skirts and dresses. I'm now seeing it in my younger nephews who have begun to ask why can't they have the more expensive stuff. I hadn't realized that you needed those designer brands to make friends. That your clothes really do make you instead of you making your clothes.

I also hadn't realized how much sex is on tv...on kids shows. I see it because I know what they're trying to say. I understand what they are insinuating, but the kids don't. All they see are like-able characters and cool looking clothes. I shake my head as they laugh and long for tv shows that actually taught you a "lesson". I don't find them funny or cute, I don't think they need to be on t.v., but really....who am I?

So yea, it's late and I'm tired and I just wish things could move forward without moving backward at the same time. Progress is fantastic, but at what cost?